Healing Through Forgiveness: A Reflection on Being Hurt by “God's People"
Bruxy Cavey's Sexual Assault Case was dismissed a few weeks ago.
Though this is an extreme case of how Christians can deeply hurt others, I know many who experienced that pain of being wounded by fellow believers. The worse hurts of my life have been caused by “God’s people”. Even though I have healed and forgiven, the scars remain. And, once in a while, triggers will either make me want to fight or flee.
During my healing and years of therapy, I often wondered why we are hurt MORE by those who share our faith than by “unbelievers”.
Shouldn’t it be the opposite?
While faith communities often state to be sanctuaries of love and support, the reality is that churches are not always what they claim to be from the pulpit. That’s why for many years, I deleted the term “Christian” from my vocabulary (read more about that HERE), and probably why believers have such a bad rep.
We expect more from them, but we forget that churches are “not a trophy for the winners but a shelter for the sinners”, to quote a song by Cochren & Co.
Churches are hospitals for the spiritually and emotionally sick; places where we heal, are restored and transformed, a place where we can get a revelation of who God is which enables us to be a little less of a sinner and a little more like Jesus. We often forget that Christ did not came for the righteous and those who have their stuff all together but for those who need saving!
As the saying goes, hurt people hurt people.
Anne Graham Lotz’s book, Hurt by God's People, delves into this difficult topic by reflecting on the theme of healing through forgiveness and by addressing the pain experienced by individuals who have been hurt by Christians. The book highlights the importance of recognizing and tackling these hurts, understanding the nature of the wounds, and finding refuge in God's love. While Lotz encourages readers to forgive those who have hurt them and seek reconciliation, for me, that last part wasn’t an option. Forgiveness is not ultimately synonymous with reconciliation because if someone caused deep pain, they can (and most likely will) do it again. After being so broken, self-protection is necessary. Releasing and forgiving, in my book, is choosing to let go of revenge and letting God deal with it all.
It's choosing freedom over the captivity of anger, opting for peace by removing myself from a situation that has negatively impacted me.
I’ve heard many stories where the event led the victimized to a crisis of faith. That wasn’t the case for me, but it’s understandable. I guess I prefer to blame it on shallow, unrooted faith and on the fact that many just bare the labels of Christianity instead of doubting God’s limitless love. People are people and will always disappoint – unfortunately. After being abandoned, judged and push aside by believers I called friends during and following my divorce, I felt as if I was unusable by God because of their rejection. As a doer (and yes, a people pleaser), I felt as if God was benching me on sidelines for years – well, truthfully, until just a few months ago when the idea of Be Magazine became more concrete. If I didn’t have a place in the church, maybe I could create my own ministry, serve God with my skills, and ask him to multiply my small offering for His glory. But that’s a story for another time.
When we talk about wounds, we can’t help but think of Joseph whose story of betrayal was a bridge to ultimately fulfilling his destiny. I feel my story is a lot like his, and that my healing was intertwined with trusting God’s plan to “prosper me and give me future” (Jeremiah 29:11).
Forgiveness is a central theme in Lotz’s book and it’s a command that I believe differentiates us as Christians (Luke 6: 27-36). While it doesn’t mean excusing the wrongs done to us, it frees us from the burden of resentment and anger.
I was not that angry person that kept looking back at me in the mirror… It just showed its ugly face from circumstances. I’m thankful that while being hurt changes you, love is even more powerful and transformative. No matter how deep your wounds, God’s love is deeper still.
As for the Bruxy Cavey case, my heart still hurts for the victims. Though there was a “confession” with carefully crafted words from the culprit, as a marketer and crisis management expert, it felt more as an attempt to control the narrative than an actual apology. Though I don’t want to judge – that’s not my place – I believe the victims deserve more. I hope this entire case will lead to greater governance within church leadership from coast to coast.
As a follower of Jesus, I believe (and rely every day) on the power of grace and forgiveness, I feel it needs to be pre-empted by truth and honesty. Ultimately, I hope the victims can find solstice in knowing that God is in control. But for what it is worth, I AM SORRY that this happened to you. Sorry that God’s people didn’t embody the values we are called to live out as ambassadors of Christ. Just plain sorry.
